When I’m with my husband, I strive to be a good wife. When I’m with my kids, I strive to be a good mom. When I’m at work, I strive to be a good boss. But in those few moments I have alone, I start to wonder what makes me me. And I can’t help thinking, “Who am I? Am I spending my whole life people pleasing?”
In the new movie, The Identical, I watched a young man struggle with the very same question. On the one hand, his father is pushing him to follow in his footsteps in ministry (I followed in my dads–banking). On the other hand, the son can’t shake the feeling deep in his bones that he needs to make music (I changed careers after just 3 years). My dad didn’t really try to make me an identical. He wouldn’t have knowingly wanted that. But sometimes it just happens, we direct our children in the path we want them to go.
No matter what season of life we find ourselves in, it’s always a struggle to know who we truly are. So here are 2 steps to take to find your identity and be able to answer the question “Who am I?” Once you figure out you, think about your kids. Is your child becoming your identical?
1. Let go of people pleasing.
I think the reason why we have such a difficult time pursuing our passions is because of the pressure we feel to always to be a people pleaser. We want the people we love and respect to be proud of us. We want to make them happy instead of making ourselves happy. But living this way means losing what God may be calling us to do. That’s why the first step to finding your identity is to let go of pleasing people. Your life was meant to be lived by you—not your spouse, not your kids, and not your parents. So stop trying to live up to the expectations of others, and learn to simply live as God directs your passion.
2. Grab hold of what brings you joy.
Once you stop looking to others to tell you who to be, you’ll be able to focus on yourself. This is the time to find what it is that makes you tick…to look deep inside yourself and discover what brings you most joy. And the moment you find your passion, chase after it whole-heartedly! Maybe that means going back to school and getting your degree. Maybe that means joining your church choir because of your love of music. Maybe that means applying for the open position at your child’s school. Maybe that means quitting your job to be a full-time stay at home mom. No matter what it means for you, I encourage you to embrace your inner joy. Because that’s the only way to be who you were created to be.
Letting go of people pleasing and grabbing hold of what really brings you joy in life is a lesson most of us learn later rather than earlier. Let the movie The Identical be a jumping off point for a conversation with your kids. Discuss with them that you want them to be them not you when they grow up. Ask questions like: What do you love to do most? Who would you most like to be? If you could only study one subject in school which would you choose? What are you good at? Then encourage them to pursue what they love and be proud of the fact that they are who they are and not who you are!
Do you struggle with people pleasing or creating an identical in your child?
