We Still Fight

My husband and I still fight – regularly.  Not sure if you would consider it a lot because what is a lot?  It’s hard to know if it is a lot or just normal, because my normal may not be your normal.  And that’s OK, but some people have been led to think it’s not OK.  So many people seem to be giving up on their marriage because they fight too much or have sex too little.  How do they know it’s too much or too little?

I always want to ask but it’s kind of personal.  Are they going by what they see on TV or read in magazines because somewhere I was taught you can’t always believe what you read or see on TV?  Are they more open with their friends and they are taking polls to find out if they are normal?

My husband and I still fight about something at least once a week.  And we still make love at least once a week.  I guess that is our normal. We have tried to work on both, fighting less and making love more.  We still hover around once a week for both – back to my normal.  I did ask one friend.  She said they fight less than once a month and they make love about once a month.  That’s her normal.

I guess I just want more moms to be comfortable with their normal, not mine, not TV’s.  It might create less stress on their marriage, less of a search for something that may not be what they need to be searching for.  What I am trying to say points back to being content with what we have – thankful for each other.  It doesn’t mean you don’t strive to improve, but you don’t beat yourself up or end the marriage if you don’t.

Of course, there will always be some friction.  My husband will always want to make love more and I will always want to fight less.  He’s physical and I’m relational.  It’s our normal.  What is yours?

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  • lene

    Thanks for sharing something so personal. It makes me feel a lot more “normal” in my marriage. 🙂

  • Kortney82

    I think that’s what we(women) do. We base our marriages on the ones we see, & read about then we compare our relationships to that. Major mistake. I love my marriage and I look forward to many more years of it!

  • Jessica

    It is great that you shared your personal life with your readers because I too have wondered what the norm is. Me and my husband have been together almost eight years and our love making varies from 1-3 times a week depending on his work schedule. Until about a year ago we fought about 3 times a week but we have gotten better about talking to one another and now we only fight about once a month if not less.

  • Great post! As for my beloved and me… well… we fight sporadically, but when we do, it’s usually intense (we have a few hot button issues that seem to resurface occasionally!) As for sex, well… we both really like sex, so I’d say our normal is 2-3 times a week on an off week and more than that on a week where things are really going well.

    But I love that your post encourages people to find their normal in their marriage. So true!! We need to not get hung up on comparisons. My only caveat would be that it’s not good if “normal” is lots of fighting and very little (or no) lovemaking. Sadly, for some couples, this is their normal. Grieves my heart.

    Anyway, thanks for your realness… you’re a great writer.

    • Thank you! And you are a really good wife and comment sharer!

    • Great observations and it breaks my heart, too!

  • Drea

    It was great to read this article. Thank you for sharing. I feel really blessed. My husband and I never really fight. When we sense that we’ve said or done something that might have struck a nerve we just talk about it in a non threatnening way so it doesn’t become a problem and then become threatening. My husband is very sensitive to my concerns and always wants to please. I feel the same way about him. As for our sex life, even with having 4 girls in the house (ages 11 months to 12 years) that run us wild, we still make time 2-3 times a week on average. The thing I’ve always felt made me weird is that I am generally the one who wants it more frequently than he does…not the other way around, so when we get busy and the kids are wearing on us, I’m the one who initiates the time if we are falling behind on our average 😉

  • Erika031505

    I have been married for 7 years and have two children, 5 and 6 and we still fight, some times once a week and others not at all for three weeks straight. Dont get me wrong somethimes we want to kill each other all week long. I guess it just depends on how hard you are willing to work on being ok with each other and not making fights affect your family time. And about making love, well that is trickie, we make love about two times a month, but have s.. about twice a week , sometimes more sometimes less. For us we can tell the diffrence, and well I love anytime that I am with my husband but this is my normal.

  • aSEALsWife

    My husband has seen combat as a Navy SEAL, and often his PTSD will get him to try and pick a fight with me. The key word us TRY. I don’t back down, but I don’t fight with him either. I stand my ground on refusing to tolerate angry behaviour, but I happily share the “shoes”. 50/50 when it cones to spending time in his, as well as my own. He has gotten better at the 50/50 thing Abd seeing that I actually try to see it from his side, if he can make his point calmly. If he gets too far gone with PTSD effects, we have our friend who served also, and is a licensed PTSD counsellor who happily helps 24/7. What a blessing.

    As for lovemaking, all I can say is WOOHOO!!!! No problems there.

    • aSEALsWife

      Please pardon any typos. I’m using my iPhone.