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What’s Your Deepest, Darkest Mom Secret? I Confess…

Today.com did a survey of 26,000 moms asking what was their deepest darkest secret (about parenting).  The confessions are all over the board from giving their child medication so they can have peace and quiet to being lonely.

Being a mom, can be overwhelming, lonely and full of fearful anxiety.  Knowing that all moms have feelings like these can bring perspective.  Many of these secrets come from guilty feelings that we are not doing all we should for our children.  There is great hope in that!  If we didn’t care we wouldn’t feel guilty!

So, today, I will bring my deepest, darkest mom secrets out in to the light and celebrate the fact that I care deeply for my children.   And I hope you will share yours so we can celebrate together!

My mom secrets are…

1. I worry that my standard for my children is too high and I am too hard on them.

2. I once gave my son a consequence of having to drink a 12 pack of orange soda for repeatedly sneaking soda and he threw up.

3. I am afraid for their future – a lot.

4. I am not organized or disciplined enough to be a good mom.

5. I have been instrumental in the “disappearance” of tight or suggestive clothes (rather than argue with my girls). I have done it with a video game or two (boys), also.

6. I did not do enough training in life purpose, such as serving others, pleasing God.

Ok, after writing that I do not feel like celebrating :(  Which leads to my last secret – I often get overwhelmed about things I should trust God for.  If I did trust maybe I would be better at letting go and celebrating the fact that I do try really hard and I love my children!

What are your deepest, darkest mom secrets?

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Author: Susan Merrill    Posted: August 10, 2011     cat-folder Be Encouraged 42 Comments

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  • Nocchio1

    I am so afraid everyday that god will not ever forgive the mistakes i have made in my past. I fear that I will NEVER be good enough of a mom to them.I will never have a career that my children will be proud of.

    • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

      God forgives all who ask for forgiveness. He knows your heart! And because you care you are a good mom.

    • mom21

      Nocchio1, don’t be afraid but read Ephesians 1 vs 7 and meditate on it : In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace;
      To deny this would be like saying Christ died for nothing when indeed he died for each one of us as we ALL fall short. When you have time, search the Bible on the web and look up the key phrase “forgive” in the search field. It will bring a slew of verses as mistakes are the exact reason Christ loved you and me so much, he left his throne in heaven to walk among men. I pray you have peace and reassurance in him.

    • Yogalover77

      Nocchio1, I have felt like you at times. But, I first really understood more what Gods love is like when I became a parent. I would do anything for my childrens success and happiness. This is just a taste of how much God loves and is willing to do for us/you ! His great attonement for our sins is incomprehensible but its real and its his great gift to us. We can be free from sin, guilt, worry… Any negative feelings can be erased when we repent and then trust and live knowing God takes these burdens gladly for us. ( : much love fellow parents…we can do it!

  • Mlt275

    Thanks so much for sharing. I was having a particularly hard time letting go and letting God take it. There seems so much to give God when it comes to child rearing. I thank God for my husband who can lighten up the atmosphere and momentarily send my fears packing.

    • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

      Awe! I hope he gets to read what you wrote about him :)

  • Nkroneberger

    Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability! You are so right…we CAN”T do it all…something has to be given up. Let’s just hope and pray and ask God to help us retain focus on what is really important, and let the other stuff go…daily!

    • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

      Especially today for me!

  • Jmeansmom

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I never post comments on these things, but for some reason feel compelled to now. In the movie “The Patriot” there is a line where the father says, “I have long feared that my past would come to haunt me and the cost is more than I can bear.” I realize God has forgiven me for my sin’s, but at the same time I know he punishes his children. I struggle with letting those past mistakes go when it comes to bad things that happen to my family now. Plus, I worry that I’m too hard on my children for the ‘small’ things, but my thinking in that is if I am, we might lessen the chances of the bigger problems later. Then, I get ridiculed for being too strict on my kids. Also, haha-sorry, one more thing, I use to feel tremendous guilt for trying SO hard, but not being the ‘Proverbs 31″ woman. Then, I read something that said He doesn’t expect us to be EVERY single one of those verses, huge weights were lifted off me… wrote that for anyone else who might be struggling with the same thing. I think God just wants to just be ourselves, except it, and be happy with it- He made us and Loves us.

    • Jcjesusmom

      hi jmeansmom!
      I’ve read your comment and like so many of us – I can understand how you feel. Have you read the book Grace Walk? I strongly recommend it! It really clarifies over and over how much God loves us and how big His grace, mercy, and love are. He is not a God of punishment or temptation. He knows what we’ve done and what we will do and loves us anyway…simply because we are His! May we all through off the guilt and shame and regret and thank God for loving us how He does – unconditionally!

    • Loribell12

      Jmeansmom, I feel like you just wrote my story there. It helps to know that I am not alone in my thoughts, worries and trials and that other moms find it overwhelming at times (okay a lot of the times!) raising our kids. I have only one daughter, but God has entrusted her dad and I to raise her to fully know him, and to be devoted completely to him. That in and of itself outside of anything else in this world is a task that only HE can accomplish. Not me. I have to fully rely on him to guide and direct me on this journey. If I try to do it on my own merits, I fail every time. Lean into Christ each time you feel weary….and pray pray pray!!!!

      • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

        Will do, thank you!

    • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

      Great line from Patriot – love that movie and can relate to the deep conviction.

  • Lisa Daylene

    Thank you for sharing, being open, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable :)

    At this moment, before I pulled up my email, am asking God, “Do I just care to much? Can you please help me to do a better job of letting go, and not spend all my energy focussing on what I am not doing?”

    I too have done the dissapearing act, of tight clothing! :O Also many others, very similar.

    Thank you again for your authenticity!

    • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

      Oh that makes me feel better – about the clothes!

  • Cynevent

    TThanks for lowering our imaginary bar that we put on the highest notch without any training in track. My secret is that I force myself to put myself first on occasions. I dream of freedom! Top that!

    • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

      Hmm. Can’t top right now but I am sure that it is hidden on a lot of lists :)

  • Vess

    Oh my goodness!!! I wish I could reach out and give you a hug right now!!! I’m especially partially to the soda incident as I did the same thing with candy! I felt really bad watching my little boy get sick after eating as much candy as he could!……However, I don’t have to worry about him eating too much candy or sweets (or sneaking them) because he remembers that like it was yesterday!! Consequences are hard to teach, but it’s SOOO important. Yeah mom!!

    • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

      Oh and I wish you could HUG me! I could use one. Same here, my son still talks about orange soda!

  • Stacey Warden

    Thank you, Susan! I’m going through this right now with my children. I have a 3 1/2 old son and a 10 month old daughter, and am just trying to learn how to be loving and understanding with my son and his jealousy over the attention his sister gets because she’s smaller and higher maintenance than he. He’s acting out to get attention, I react because I’m stressed, and it turns into a vicious cycle. I’m not proud of my frustration and then get upset with myself at the end of the day for not having better inner strength to stay, well, calm. I hear it can be done. Ha! Anyway, it’s good to hear that there are others in the same boat as me, and I just have to work harder to take deep breaths before I react, and to find better ways to pay attention to my son in positive ways. Thanks again!

    • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

      Something I pray for every day – patience, understanding, self-control of my tongue. Very hard to do.

    • Jennyronquillo

      I have the same age children!! I’m going thru the same thing. Keep praying that they will love each other and have a beautiful relationship one day soon!

  • SGamble

    My deepest, darkest mom secret is that I actually DO have a favorite child (out of 4).

    • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

      I understand and won’t tell.

  • Gebrulj

    I am a single mother to my beutyful 10 years old daughter my regret is I wish I have one sibling for her even though I didn’t think my relationship to her father will endup in a vrey messy divorce one thing I came from a big family so this is so hard even to move on with my life. But with God help for the last six years we both take one day at a time. MOLLY

    • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

      Trust in his providence for you and your daughter.

  • ohmyalikins

    I can see that we are all feeling practically the same things – amazing how that is, isn’t it? I think just about every one of your darkest secrets are my own as well, except the soda one … although I’ve been tempted to do it! I bet your son doesn’t sneak soda anymore, am I right?! :) I think the only one you didn’t list that is on my list is losing my temper. I come from a long line of “yellers” and my voice just tends to get louder and louder as I have to repeat myself or explain “why” – it’s terrible, and I hate myself when I’m done. Honestly, as my prayers to help have increase, I catch myself as my voice escalates, and the Lord helps me find the calm within to lower my voice. I read an article that said “if you want your children to lower their voices, begin to whisper” – it resonates in my skull when I find I am yelling. I ask the Spirit to teach me daily and give my tongue to God each morning so that He is in control of it. I fear that I have broken my daughters spirit – but in His Grace, she is full of spunk and her confidence grows as I try harder each day. Thank you for this article, and the many others you have written that speak to me and so many other moms. We are not alone, we really do try, and we love our children! YAY! :D

    • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

      Nope, no problems with soda! Oh I loose my temper too! Love this “if you want your children to lower their voices, begin to whisper” I will try to remember it!

  • anonymous

    I told my whole family the other day, they were all selfish pigs. (I need to do more for myself and make boundaries with how much they allow to be piled on to the family schedule plate)

    I tell other moms in writings, how to not lose it with their kids, because I have a lot of great ideas, and have had some AWEsome outcomes.. Still, I lose it and vent ferociously sometimes, when I’m not appreciated.

    I confide too much in my children about my unhappiness in marriage, which I know is wrong, yet I’ve found it hard to keep a friend when you struggle with on and off depression and crying bouts. My kids KNOW, that’s not the real me… They love me when I’m happy or sad.

    I still sleep with my 7 year old.

    • anonymous

      me again… by the way? MOST the time? I LOVE being a mother. I’m not overbearing, we all get each other. I don’t stress the small stuff. We support each other, the kids are compassionate towards each other and are pretty obedient. We giggle a lot, play a lot, and I support their dreams and believe in them. I was just being brutally honest about things I know need changing, without mentioning the good. whew. .ok. I feel better now. :)

      • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

        Good :)

    • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

      Love your honest confessions!

  • Heather Novak

    That despite my prayers and deep breaths and full on love for God and my little girls I sometimes yell or say things I would be SO EMBARRASSED to have anyone else hear. And it is hard to un ring a bell. I just keep starting over, and my girls are great and God is greater sooooo it should all work out.

    • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

      ME too!

  • trustinHim

    thanks susan, i so need to hear that , specially being a mother of 2 teenagers.. hear things that “you embaress me mom or don’t go here or there..I don’t need you”, and my kids grew in a christian home. believe?? lately my husband has point fingers on me of too controling and plus. i know I do many wrong things.. but.. and yes, I just need as you said rest in the Lord. He is the one who knows what is best for my kids. lately I am in a process of being a parent of rest and not under pressure

    • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

      I so need to hear all these comments today – feeling pressure.

  • Trying My Best

    I love your article, too, Susan and I also agree with everyone’s comments below. We do need to forgive ourselves and trust God with everything. My husband passed away from cancer three years ago and I am raising our three sons 11, 10 and 5 years old. More than anything I miss being able to run things by my husband and he also could help me to put my fears to rest. But here are my six Mom secrets:
    1. Why does my Mean Momma side (my temper & yelling) seem to come up everyday even when I am trying my best to be loving & supportive?
    2. Am I giving my boys enough praise so that they feel good about themselves?
    3. Why do I get so upset that their rooms are cluttered (stuff thrown on their desk or lying on the tops of the bureau, etc.) when my computer room is cluttered with papers when the summer/fall changeover clothes are all over the floor in my bedroom?
    4. Why do I waste so much time worrying about pleasing others than pleasing God?
    5. If I know that reading God’s Word with my boys is so important, why don’t I have us read it together every night? Instead there’s the World Series to watch, e-mails to read, etc. I guess it should be why does media distract me so?
    6. Why do I opt for the easier meal instead of planning and making the more nutritious meal?
    I also wish I had more backbone, too, where my older son came home this week with a social studies test in which he was tested on BCE (Before the Common Era) and CE (Common Era). These are being taught in his 6th grade class to replace BC (Before Christ) and AD (anno Domini which means In the Year of Our Lord). I just haven’t found the courage yet to call his teacher and ask when did these changes occur and why aren’t they learning bc & ad. I don’t want to e-mail because it can be hard to distinguish a person’s tone in it. Anyways, you know I tell them to live our faith and yet I get scared to live it myself. Thanks for sharing and listening to me. I guess I feel better now, too. Let’s all hang in there and just relax knowing that we love our kids so much!! God will do the rest!!

    • http://SusanMe.com Susan Merrill

      You are doing amazingly! When I lost my mom I found myself thinking “I have to tell my mom that” and then I would remember she was gone. It took me years to retrain my brain to realize I can’t ask her. I cannot imagine if it had been my husband! You are such a good mom don’t doubt it for a second!

    • GR

      #1-4 are some of my own issue’s. Lately God has really been showing me that he does not respond to us in the way I am to my children, so I need to use self control.

  • 2 Blessed 2 B Stressed

    My deepest fear is that the fact that I am a single mother, not by my own choice, will leave my son without the chance to know what a real, God loving, man looks like. I pray regularly that my son will still learn to be the kind of husband and father (even though he is only 6) that I wish I has married.
    I fear that since he is the only one that I rely on him more than I should – and am in counseling to make sure that he stays the child and I find the strength to do it alone.
    I also find myself in days where I feel so overwhelmed that I cannot give him what he needs or I get angry in my tone….and amazingly these are usually the same days he needs me to be strong and patient the most.
    The only strength I have is in remembering that God has a special place for the widows and father-less – I just hope that extends to the divorced single mothers too.

  • my 3 sons

    I have 3 sons, very close in age. I am a perfectionist. My fears:

    1. i expect too much of them- in the house, at school, in their behaviour at all times
    2. i don’t spend enough “quality time” with them, but focus all my energies on making sure the house is clean and picked up, the laundry is done, suppers are planned and getting them to where they need to be, etc. I want to take a nap or “check out” when I have a few minutes to myself, but feel like I should utilize that time to do something meaningful with them.
    3. since they are boys i fear i am doomed to a life with very little communication from them. I find out more from my friends’ daughters about what is going on than my boys tell me! sometimes it hurts my feelings- (and I know this is silly), even though I know they are different than girls and details aren’t big deals to them.
    4.i don’t do enough for them spiritually
    5. i fear for their future in this world…….

    it was nice to divulge all that.

  • Roxaop

    Well, when my kids were you ger I tried being the perfect mom. I read every parenting book and tried to apply it , but as time went by I got frustrated, tired and gave up on excelence for just passing by….My girl is 13 and my boy 10 and every year it gets harder.

    But I love them, and I will never give up on them, so I get strength once again, and renew my relationship in other ways to keep it going.
    Roxana